Sunday, August 17, 2008

I Just Want to Squeeze on You, Girl

Some guys can pull off topless as a look. It’s easier in print, but it can even work and not look awkward on film. Fiddy never looks half naked no matter how few shirts he’s wearing. And I don’t think it’s a question of how built a person is, or their swagger. All I know is that Plies looks like an idiot in this video.

Plies - Please Excuse My Hands Ft. Jamie Foxx & The Dream

Notice, kiddies, how he’s at a pretty swank club. Understand that his friends and peers are wearing things like blazers, and under those blazers, shirts. Recognize that for the non-narrative part of the video, where Plies raps to the camera, HE IS WEARING A SHIRT. He has the technology.

Also, who goes to the club at 10:32?

ALSO, Jamie Foxx is really pushing, isn’t he? Poor guy, he couldn't muster enough personal charm to likeably play himself in his own show. He can sing, he can play, and yes, he's a funny funny man, but he can’t make me understand why I should like him, and not just respect his talent. That said, Slow Jamz is the jam, though. The slow one.

Furthermore, Plies talks so. Slowly. No really, he raps much slower than average conversation. You didn’t notice because his toplessness is so loud, right?

Yeah, the chicks in the video are distracted by the toplessness too, and they aren’t into it AT ALL. That chick at the begining couldn’t be less into our hero Plies (Because he’s Plies, or because he’s shirtless?) and the chick at 1:48 looks downright frightened (Because he’s Plies or because he’s shirtless?).

OH WAIT I GET IT! Because videos aren’t allowed to be TOO raunchy, the director couldn’t show Plies actually molesting anyone, but damnit! That’s just obviously what the song calls out for! So instead the video hoes are affronted by Plies HIMSELF. His state of demi-nude is a metaphor for his exploratory and daring sexuality. Deal with THIS, puritans and/or chicks I’m feeling up! See, the chick at 1:49 gets it. She nods as if to say “I understand and will comply.” Because he’s Plies. And he’s shirtless.

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